I am a really private person. I am fiercely protective of my family and my friends. I try to share my life with all of you but I tend to censor a lot of my innermost thoughts and emotions. It’s just how I have always been. It takes a lot for me to really open up to people and include individuals in my circle of trust.
Last night I sat down and wrote two very different blog posts. The first was my thoughts on Friday’s tragedy. I had tried to put into words throughout the weekend how I was feeling and couldn’t. The second was my fitness Christmas list. Something fun and lighthearted which was easier on my heavy and sad heart. I chose to schedule my Christmas list to publish and discarded my thoughts to my drafts pile.
After a restless night of sleep I woke up realizing that I made a mistake. I should have published my thoughts and emotions and not gone about like nothing happened for my own comfort. I rescheduled my fitness post and hit publish on my emotional post. This decision was done rashly and without thought. I should have explained to you in my second post as to why I had delayed publish. That seeing other bloggers share their raw emotion gave me courage to do so myself. To step outside my comfort zone and tell you how I really felt. To show a side to you that I rarely show to anyone.
By deleting my original post and scheduling it for later, I made myself appear inauthentic. That I was merely hopping on the bandwagon which is so far from the truth. Friday’s tragedy deserves more than that. I rarely write about how I am feeling deep down because I am scared. Scared to open myself up that way to strangers on the internet. However, writing for me is cathartic and how I deal with situations. I have so many posts sitting in my drafts folder that will never be published. Today, finding courage in others, I made the decision to hit publish instead. I just went about it the wrong way.
I am sorry to you my readers, friends, and family. I should have explained my thought process earlier. I should have given you some better insight into how I think. I won’t make that mistake again. Thanks for sticking around and realizing that I am a human too who is far from perfect.